Everybody should already know that spiders are envoys of the panic kingdom. What you might not know yet, though, is that house lizards are also agents of the Panic Kingdom. This news can perhaps surprise you, but now you better think twice before you secretly or not secretly curse the cackling again. It has not yet been cracked, the cackling code, but it is quite almost certain that the lizards' chirps are meant to either discuss your anxiety level with one another, or to report to their superiors.
It is understood however, that the lizards are definitely of higher rank than the common spiders, either because they are bigger, or that they have fewer limbs, or that they can cackle, often quite loudly. It is suspected that some lizards report directly to the Panic King and Panic Queen themselves. In sum, the house lizards are quite important figures in the Panic Kingdom. (That is why sometimes even their commonest calls have the power to startle you.)
Name: Common House Lizards, The. Envoys of the Panic Kingdom. Or Common House Geckos, The. (There are basically 3 subtypes: The Common House Gecko (Hemidactylus frenatus; being the commonest), The Flat-Tailed Gecko (Cosymbotes platyurus), and The Four-clawed Gecko (Gehyra mutilata)).
Sex: Both. Girl lizards are usually agents of the Panic Queen, and boy lizards are subordinates of the Panic King.
Age: Eggs up. Quite unknown how old they can get because magical nature.
Place of origin: The Panic Kingdom.
Attributes: Usually silent (except for occasional cackles), responsible and competent (quite workaholic actually), generally a depressed bunch of beings, can be rather anxious. Temperament ranges from mild to bad mannered, as of in any bunch of beings. Some reportedly suffer from symptoms of anxiety or personality disorders.
Rank/Position: Varies. Ranks range from low to high. It is firmly established that their rank is higher than that of the common house spiders. It is suspected that promotion is dependent on when they autotomize (“self-cut"). This is taken to be an indication of power-up in terms of anxiety endured or managed. The higher ranking the lizard is, the higher the number of times it must have practiced autotomy.
Basic physical description: All 3 subtypes have a head, 4 limbs (with 5 digits each except for the Four-claw Gecko who has only 4 clawed digits on its fore feet), and perhaps a tail, or at least something like where a tail could be. They are lizard in color. They have cool tongues. They walk on walls. Nocturnal.
The Common House Gecko: Its tail is oval in cross-section, with a longitudinal series of spiky tubercles.
Flat-tailed Gecko: It has a fringe of skin along the sides of the body and tail. The tail is flat in comparison with the Common House Gecko’s, and serrated along the edge. The fingers are half-webbed.
Four-clawed Gecko: Tail is neither spiked nor serrated. The juveniles tend to have pink or gold spots which disappear as they mature. It appears to have slightly translucent skin.
Basic job description: They are somewhat monitors and monitresses of the panic levels of the persons living in their vicinity. They just watch, and feed occasionally. They report the situation to their superiors, who might be other lizards, or basically other agents whose identities cannot yet be revealed for reasons that cannot yet be revealed.
1) They’ll give reports on you. Good report is like, “this fella is responsive to anxiety, he is quite anxious enough, he copes well.” Bad report is like, “this fella is crazy about anxiety, and embraces a nervous lifestyle, doesn’t cope” or “this fella is not responsive to anxiety, he is too calm.” Cumulative bad reports might piss off their superiors, or worse, the Panic Royalty, thus attracting attention to you, i.e. asking for major trouble.
2) They’ll send for the spiders to cause you panic. Just to see how you panic.
3) They’ll make you panic. (When the spiders are lazy or not powerful enough, or just for fun, or to punish you.)
4) They’ll afflict you with depression, anxiety disorders, personality disorders, but usually only symptoms of. (Usually to punish you.) Most commonly afflicted is the panic attack.
(Disorders are afflicted:
a. If it is deemed that you are really a sucker for anxiety (displayed over a prolonged period of time).
b. When you’re desperately unlucky.
c. Usually by Panic King or Queen. It is suspected that being afflicted with especially anxiety disorders is quite equivalent to knighting you as one of their human envoys.)
Possible repercussions of pissing off the Lizard Envoys of the Panic Kingdom:
1) They will give you a bad report.
2) They will punish you.
Precautions to take to prevent from inspiring a bad report:
1) Always be cool.
2) But not too cool.
3) Don’t be rude to lizards.
FAQ: I hate or am scared of lizards, how do I get rid of them without pissing them off?
A: Lizard phobia is a form of anxiety disorder that the lizard envoys brandish. It is afflicted on you because you are vulnerable, or they are just making fun of you, or whatever reasons. Demonstrate competence and calmness when you are trying to get rid of them. Systematically do what a non-lizard-phobic person would do, and you’ll pass the test, and either the phobia will leave you, or its severity will lessen.
(Should you have more information on the lizard envoys of the Panic Kingdom or on the Panic Kingdom itself that you would like to share, eg. sightings, understandings, conversations, please send to meekfreak@gmail.com, subject title, "The Panic Kingdom (lizard envoy or whatever) report.")
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